Zero

Zero. That is the number of the sperm count. Zero.

The cause of zero is yet unknown. Is there a blockage or does my husband simply not produce any sperm at all? The blood test that was done this Morning will hopefully tell us. Please let there be a blockage…

I don’t know what to do, other than cry, which is what I have been doing all morning since I got the dreaded phone call.

My husband is trying to be positive. I can think nothing but the worst.

This was probably the worst news I could have gotten. I kept hoping “please let it be me, let it be a problem with me.” So if course, all of my tests have come back fine.

I honestly can’t think. I can’t eat. I just want to curl up in a ball and not get out until the blood test results are in. I am not strong enough to deal with this.

All the tests I have gone through. All the planning my doctor and I have done. It’s all for nothing. Because it’s not me… It’s him.

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It’s OK to be sad

Hello Aunt Flow, how awful to see you! You were two days late, so I was hoping you wouldn’t show up, and yet, here you are!

Ok. I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I was trying not to dwell on TTC. The TWW (really 10 day wait) started and I was very hopeful… It seemed our timing was pretty good on everything, at least according to the OPK.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that my SIL is prego and I haven’t been dealing with this very well. About a week and a half ago I found out she had been talking to my best friend about me, trying to figure out how mad I was. At that point I decided it was time to get it out of the way, so I sent her a text message (I didn’t think I could make it through a phone conversation) letting her know that I was upset but that I will get over it eventually. The only thing about the “conversation” that bothered me was she was really trying to convince me that they weren’t trying… Which I have a hard time believing. Anyway, I got that out of the way, although I don’t really want to talk to her much more than that still.

So my best friend mentioned to me the other day that it was awkward talking to me about her other friends who are pregnant because she is afraid it will upset me. But really, my SIL is the only one I get upset about. I am, truly, happy for others. One of my good friends informed me this weekend that she and her husband are trying for their second, and I couldn’t be more excited for them. I honestly don’t know why my SIL’s pregnancy affects me so much more, other than she is doing something for the family which I apparently can’t do.

Anyway, I need to document what has been going on this week for future reference. On Tuesday I had cramping pain in my pelvic region and some spotting when I went to the bathroom following the cramping. After that time I experienced a lot of burping and heartburn, despite eating healthy last week.

So Wednesday I had my OB appt and my blood work came back normal, which is great. My husband’s fertility analysts isn’t until April 10, so my doctor wanted to hold off on any further testing until his results come back. My husband kept delaying going to get his test done, so when he ultimately did they couldn’t get it done before my appt. I was a bit frustrated to say the least. Anyway, my doctor told me to call her with his test results once was get them… Which seems forever away.

On Saturday, I had a very light spotting after a painful BM (I had serious constipation all week). Then yesterday my husband and I had sex in the morning and there was, once again, very light spotting afterwards, but only that once. Nothing this morning until another BM, with a bright red spotting. But since then I have had blood, however minimal, every time I go to the bathroom. So, I see this is how it is going to be… I know I am having the exact same weird period that I had last month, which is frustrating because it is so not normal and lasted for 10 days! Ugh!!!

But, it could be worse. My cousin, who is about a month older than me (29) and her husband have been TTC for about a year and a half. In November she got pregnant, but ended up miscarrying in January. On Friday I found out she has breast cancer. They believe the pregnancy kick started it. They caught it pretty early, so it is treatable, but she will have to have surgery and chemo. How awful is that?? My heart breaks for her. I can’t even imagine what she is going through.

To top it off, I learned that same day that the girl I tutor, who is 19 years old, is now pregnant. She has decided to drop out of college and doesn’t have a job. Great.

As for me, I am pretty bummed out right now. I keep telling myself that it is ok to be sad. I don’t understand why my period is being so weird, but I guess that is a question for the doc when I go back in April. I also keep telling myself it could be worse, much worse, and I thank God it’s not. I am trying to be positive but it’s not working. My husband is getting frustrated with me, telling me that I am being very negative about the whole thing, but I feel if I am positive I will just get my hopes up more.. It is so devastating each time, I don’t want to make it any worse!!

And, of course, the thought is still in my head that, considering how light the bleeding is and how weird I have felt, I could still be pregnant… Even though I know I am not, the thought is still there, and it sends me to the bathroom every hour just to check the status. I feel like a nut job, but I can’t stop thinking about it!!! I know this is just how my period went last month, so I need to move on. But part of me wants to rush out an buy a test just to see.

I realized part of my problem is that I have no control over this, which is so very frustrating for me, a total control freak. Why can’t I just make it happen?!?! It shouldn’t be this hard, or this painful.

My doctor did give me some hope, letting me know there are things we can do, but I want to start the tests now!! So frustrated.

Well, seven months down… Still counting.

Needing Understanding

This past weekend was pretty amazing and wonderfully relaxing. My husband and I spent the whole weekend just hanging out together. We played games, ordered in, and drank champagne (I know I previously said I was going to quite drinking, but at this point I figure I am not going to be able to drink for 9 months when I finally do get pregnant, so why start now?). It was amazing. We had great sex every day. I only wish I had been ovulating at that time!

Anyway, it was back to the grind on Monday, and back to a regular work out schedule, which I had been neglecting for a few months. My husband had his doctor appointment yesterday and got a prescription to get a sperm count done. However, his doctor then proceeded to tell him she thought we were getting tests done too early and that it normally takes a couple around a year to get pregnant.

So it appears my husband is now on the fence about getting the testing done because I am obviously overreacting to the situation…

What my husband’s doctor does not know is that my doctor suggested getting the testing done to rule out him as the problem so we can then work on me, because I am the one with the issue. I am the one with the extremely short cycle, late ovulation, and 9 day luteal phase!! My doctor simply suggested that he get the test done so we know and can move on from there! Now, I am sure my husband did not tell the doctor this because, frankly, I don’t think he knows. When the whole subject was brought up with him previously he was so mad at me for not being happy his brother’s wife was pregnant that I don’t think he was listening.

Ultimately I think he will eventually have the testing done, but we won’t have the results in time for my appointment with the OB next week. My ovulation should be occurring today or tomorrow. I had been taking 50mg of B6 in the hopes my ovulation would come sooner, but that apparently did not work this cycle – all OPK taken since Sunday have been neg ūüė¶

Keeping Busy

The other day someone told me that keeping busy is the best way to keep my mind off of the fact that I am not yet prego. Boy were they right! Other than Monday night, when I was out of town on business, I have been on the go. Tuesday night we were at a charity event. Wednesday night my husband and I spent some much needed “alone time” together followed by a 60 minute run/walk. Yesterday my girlfriend and I went to a yoga class after work. It has been so nice having other things to consume my time with… Not that I still don’t think about it every now and then.

Earlier in the week I commented I was going to stop drinking caffeine and alcohol. Day one of no caffeine gave me such a headache that I went and got a cup of decaf with a splash of regular coffee. That seemed to help. So I guess this will be a process of simply cutting back for now. As for alcohol, I’m not a real big drinker, so this shouldn’t be a huge problem.

So my friend and I have decided to go to yoga every week, which can only be beneficial. I have also decided to run a 10k in May. Prior to TTC, I was a very active runner. Once we started trying, I cut way back b/c my husband thought it would interfere with our efforts. I have done research that says running should be fine so long as you don’t over exert yourself. So I am starting a light training program next week.

I have been feeling so good this week (absent the fact I am still getting backaches, having intestinal issues, and cramping/stabbing pain in my pelvic region). I guess what I mean is I have emotionally felt good this week. I even considered calling my SIL… Though I ultimately decided against it… There’s no need to ruin my good mood when I am scheduled to ovulate next week!

Happy thoughts and best wishes to all!

Business travel

There’s nothing like business travel to give you time to think. As I sit in my hotel room waiting to head to court, watching the news and drinking my second cup of coffee, all I can think about is my husband’s doctor appointment coming up one week from today.¬† I hope we get the results before my OB appt on the 6th. It also gives me time to think about what I am doing. When we first started trying, a good friend told me to just keep living my life, because everything would change once I got pregnant.¬† So I have continued drinking coffee and alcohol, thinking that so many other people get pregnant while on drugs and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, a little bit of coffee and wine won’t hurt me… right?¬† As I drink my second cup of coffee this morning, I have made a decision that this will be my last cup. And after tonight, no more alcohol. I just wish I could talk my husband into the same thing.

I think my body is going crazy

Seriously, I am pretty sure my body is going nuts.¬† As you know if you read my most recent post, my most recent period was more than abnormal.¬† My normal periods last 7 days, they come on heavy and strong and they stay that way almost the whole time. Due to my stupid short cycles (25 days) I was due to start my period on the 11th, and, I guess technically I did. However, before I started “bleeding” I was convinced i was prego.¬† Then the 11th came and I only had bleeding when I used the bathroom and it was dark brown.¬† Same thing the next day. I thought I was having implantation bleeding and started getting excited.¬† Then Wednesday came and so did the bright red blood that I am used to. But it didn’t stay. Thursday and Friday were the same as Wednesday (not very heavy and mostly in the morning). Saturday was very light and Sunday there was barely anything (back to how it was on Monday, the 11th).¬† Today, day 8, I am still “bleeding”. It is dark brown, only when I use the bathroom. It’s just weird… it’s sticky and clumpy (but not clotty).¬† THIS IS SO NOT NORMAL!!!!¬† I don’t understand!!!!¬† Today I was nauseous all morning. I was exhausted all afternoon. I had a headache (my sinuses are going insane recently). My back hurt (which it has been doing for about a week and a half now). I keep getting sharp pains in my boobs. I’m having cramps still (which, by the way, were not as bad as they normally are during my period).¬† Am I going crazy??? Unfortunately, I think I might be. :/

Month 6 of TTC

A little bit about me.  I am 29 years old.  I am an attorney.  Before getting married, I weighed (at the most) 196 lbs.  Once my husband proposed, I dedicated myself to loosing weight.  10 months later, on the day of our wedding, I weighed 148 lbs.  I now weigh 142 lbs. I have run two half-marathons and one 25K along with countless 5ks.

My husband and I have been married for about two and a half years, though we were together for six years before we got married, so we are going on 9 years of being together.¬† After we got married, we knew we wanted to wait at least one year before we started building a family. So we did.¬† If I had only known then what I know now…

During Christmas of 2011, my cousin announced they were pregnant with their fourth child.¬† I had to smile, because I knew in my heart that next year, we would be making a similar announcement.¬† It was very important to me to be pregnant Christmas 2012.¬† So Matt (my husband) and I started to discuss our timing… when were we going to start trying?

The answer came to us when were were both asked to be in our friend’s wedding.¬† It’s not that we couldn’t have started trying before then, but we wanted to be able to be there for our friends without having to worry about anything else.¬† We wanted to be able to participate in all of their events and be there for them in every way possible.¬† They were getting married in September 2012.¬† We decided that this would be the best time to start trying.¬†

I had my annual physical with my family physician in April 2012.  I told him of our plans and we had a long discussion on things to do/not to do.  He suggested I get off of my birth control about two months before we started ttc.  He also suggested I stop taking my allergy medication.  He prescribed a prenatal vitamin.  I told him of my worries that we would have problems ttc.  It seems like there are so many people around me that have had problems, and my husband had a vein removed from his leg/testical when he was younger.  My physician did not seem as worried as I was.  I took all of his advice to heart and started down the road to becoming ready to get pregnant.

I got off of my birth control in July 2012.¬† I took my prenatal vitamins every day.¬† I ate healthy and continued exercising my normal routine.¬† I downloaded an app for my phone to chart my cycles.¬† Our friends wedding day came, and it happened to be perfect timing.¬† My ovulation calendar (downloaded onto my iPhone) predicted my ovulation for one week following their wedding.¬† We tried, but did not succeed.¬† We had sex every day.¬† I then did some research that stated we shouldn’t try every single day. So the next month, we tried every other day.

Now, I had some concern in the beginning few months.¬† My biggest concern surrounded my cycles, which were 25-26 days.¬† I knew this was very short.¬† When we weren’t pregnant by the end of October, I decided to get some of those ovulation tests you can buy at the store, just to see if my calendar I was using was right.¬† Turns out, it wasn’t.¬† In fact, it was a whole 4 days off!¬† Providing me with a luteal phase of 9-10 days.¬† I didn’t really know what this meant for me.¬† We simply kept trying.

By the end of November, I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant in time to announce it to our family for Christmas.¬† I was absolutely devistated.¬† I cried a lot.¬† It had meant so much to me to be pregnant by Christmas.¬† However, when Christmas came and went, I talked to some friends and decided the pressure was now off!¬† I wasn’t going to be pregnant by Christmas and there was nothing I could do about that… so I could just relax and keep trying.

In January, work became absoutely crazy.¬† I was super stressed out.¬† I knew I wouldn’t be getting pregnant that month (I am well aware of the effects stress has on ttc).¬† However, I didn’t think I would get my period 6 days early!¬† Stress… ugh.¬† I was bummed.¬† I wasn’t sure if it was stress or something else, so my doctor got me in that day.¬† I talked to him about what was going on (we had tried 5 times by this point, due to my short cycles).¬† He did a pelvic exam and I had some pain, so he scheduled a pelvic ultrasound.¬† Due to my concerns, my doctor suggested my husband get a sperm count done.¬† I went home that night and destracted myself with starting the process of cleaning/painting our office.¬†

It was that night I leared my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) was pregnant.¬† I was devistated/heartbroken.¬† My husband has a very small family and, on his father’s side, he and his brother are the only two grandchildren.¬† His brother had just gotten married six months prior to a 22 year old (his brother and I are the same age).¬† They say it was an accident, they weren’t trying… however, I know differently.¬† Matt’s brother was not trying, but I know his wife was.¬† I really wanted to be able to provide a grandchild to this family, and she took that away from me.¬† She knew what I had been going through up until this point.¬† Everytime I think about her, I become so depressed it is the only think I can think about.¬† I can’t talk to her… I just can’t.¬† Call me childish/selfish… I know.¬† I know I am being rediculous about it, but the feeling I get when I think about her is unbearable.¬† I feel awful… like I should be more supportive and there for her.¬† But I just can’t.¬† The more I don’t think about it, the better I feel.¬† And then, randomly, she is brought up and my mood goes in the toilet.¬† I don’t know how to make myself feel any other way.

So, I had my pelvic ultrasound and my doctor says I have a “polyp”.¬† When his nurse called me to tell me this, she said my doctor isn’t worried about this.¬† I didn’t know what this was, so I did some research and apparently they are pretty common and shouldn’t interfere with ttc (unless the fertalized egg tries to implant there).¬† So my husband and I talked and he agreed to go get a sperm count done.¬† He is currently in the process of scheduling an appointment with his doctor.

This past month was very strange.¬† On day 20 of my cycle, I felt like I was getting my period early again.¬† I was in the bathroom every couple of hours checking to see if I was¬†bleeding.¬† I was having cramps, though they were different than normal and my boobs kept having sharp pains in them.¬† But then, my period was… “late”.¬† By late, I mean I had spotting the night I was supposed to get my period and the day after.¬† It was very light and brown and would only show up on toilet paper when I went to the bathroom.¬† After the second day of this happening, I was almost convinced I was having implantation bleeding.¬† I started to get my hopes up.¬† On the third day, I woke up and had more bleeding which looked more like a normal period.¬† But I only had it in the morning, and nothing the rest of the day.

Now, I think in order to demonstrate how weird this was, I need to describe my “normal period”.¬† I normally bleed ridiculously heavy for 7-8 days straight.¬† There is a lot of cloting and I have to wear “super” anything for at least 4 of those days.¬† I get cramps and backaches on the first two days, but these are my only symptoms.¬† This is what I consider¬†normal.

So on the third day, when I didn’t have any more bleeding the rest of the day, I bought a pregnancy test. It was negative, but I thought that it might be… if I had implanted on Monday (when the spotting first started) I didn’t think it would show up on a HPT until about 4-5 days later.¬† Again, the hopes continued to climb.

Then Thursday came, and bleeding came all day, though it was still different than normal. Friday too, though it was only heavy in the morning.  Saturday the bleeding was lighter and, once again, only in the morning.

Today is Sunday.  I had no bleeding when I woke up, only a little bit on toilet paper again.  I took another pregnancy test, just because of how weird my period has been.  It was negative.  I went for a run and had blood on my underwear when I was done. I now do not feel like I am pregnant, though I do not understand what my body is doing.  I am still having random pains in my boobs and cramping along with backaches.  I am constantly tired.

I started doing some reading about the ups and downs of ttc.¬† Stressing about it is not helpful, and I am well aware of this.¬† One of the suggestions was to start a blog, so that is what I am doing.¬† I am hopeful this will help me to de-stress. I know a lot of people go through this and it would be helpful if I could hear from others who are going/have gone through a similar experience.¬† However, the last thing I need is for people to tell me to just relax… I am absolutely sick and tired of people telling me this.¬†

So, Matt is going to get tested and I have an appointment with an OBGYN on March 6. We are working together.¬† The one good thing about Matt’s brother’s wife getting pregnant is that Matt now seems more interested in the process of conceiving.¬†

I know that I am not alone, and six months of trying and failing does not necessarily mean anything is wrong.¬† My cousin has been trying for over a year, and recently had a miscarriage.¬† Another cousin of mine has tried for many years and cannot conceive.¬† My neighbor went 15 months before she finally saw a fertility specialist.¬† But then there are those people who get pregnant so easily.¬† My sister, for example (adopted sister) has had several abortions and a miscarriage.¬† My other sister (also adopted) has four children, none of which were planned.¬† I just don’t understand how this works.

In my early relationship with Matt, I knew we were going to be together forever.¬† We both want to have two children.¬† I always thought I would have my first at 28 and my next at 31.¬† When we made the decision on when we were going to officially start trying, I moved this to 29 and 32.¬† Now, it looks like I will be, at least, thirty before #1 arrives, if it ever does.¬† My husband will be either 32 or 33, assuming it doesn’t take more than another year.¬†

For now, all I can say is that this was amazingly helpful.¬† I have talked to friends about my issues/insecurities and I keep hearing the same things, none of which is helpful.¬† When I try talking to Matt about it, he says the same things.¬† He is not a feelings guy, so generally, I keep my feelings inside.¬† Every time I try to talk about my feelings with him he turns it around and basically says I am blaming him for everything, when that is the last thing I am doing.¬† At this point, I just don’t know where else to turn.

My next ovulation is scheduled to occur on February 28.  After a lot of research, I have started taking B6 vitamins to try and begin my ovulation sooner.  I will keep posting on this.  I am going to try and post every day, in the hopes getting everything off of my chest will be helpful.  I am trying to destress any way I can. 

My job is somewhat stressful.  I mean, I am an attorney.  I have a lot on my plate at work.  I have begun small, 7 minute meditations during the work day when I can feel the pressure building.  I have started doing the yoga on my Wii fit.  I am still running, though not as much as I used to.  Basically, I am doing a lot of walking (three-four days a week) and having short running spurts in the middle.  However, my running spurts are more of a jog (6mph Р10 minute miles).  Today I went a total of 4 miles (acutally, a bit more than that), 55 minutes, and ran 1.5 of those miles.  Running/walking takes my mind off of everything, and I love it.

I love apps.¬† Before we actively started ttc, I downloaded a bunch of fertility/ovulation apps.¬† I recently deleted all by my calendar/period tracker.¬† My thought is that I might not think about it so much if I don’t have all of these things staring me in the face every day.

I know I suffer from some undiagnosed anxiety.¬† I overthink everything.¬† I constantly want to please everyone and go out of my way to help my friends and family (just ask my husband – this drives him crazy sometimes).¬† I wish this wasn’t always on my mind, but it is, and I don’t think I can change that.

If you stuck through it this far, thank you for reading.  I would love to hear your stories as well.  It is helpful to know that I am not other only person who is having difficulty and thinking/feeling the same way.  It is helpful to know that I am not going crazy, though sometimes I feel that way.  Obsessed is just a word, right?