A little bit about me. I am 29 years old. I am an attorney. Before getting married, I weighed (at the most) 196 lbs. Once my husband proposed, I dedicated myself to loosing weight. 10 months later, on the day of our wedding, I weighed 148 lbs. I now weigh 142 lbs. I have run two half-marathons and one 25K along with countless 5ks.
My husband and I have been married for about two and a half years, though we were together for six years before we got married, so we are going on 9 years of being together. After we got married, we knew we wanted to wait at least one year before we started building a family. So we did. If I had only known then what I know now…
During Christmas of 2011, my cousin announced they were pregnant with their fourth child. I had to smile, because I knew in my heart that next year, we would be making a similar announcement. It was very important to me to be pregnant Christmas 2012. So Matt (my husband) and I started to discuss our timing… when were we going to start trying?
The answer came to us when were were both asked to be in our friend’s wedding. It’s not that we couldn’t have started trying before then, but we wanted to be able to be there for our friends without having to worry about anything else. We wanted to be able to participate in all of their events and be there for them in every way possible. They were getting married in September 2012. We decided that this would be the best time to start trying.
I had my annual physical with my family physician in April 2012. I told him of our plans and we had a long discussion on things to do/not to do. He suggested I get off of my birth control about two months before we started ttc. He also suggested I stop taking my allergy medication. He prescribed a prenatal vitamin. I told him of my worries that we would have problems ttc. It seems like there are so many people around me that have had problems, and my husband had a vein removed from his leg/testical when he was younger. My physician did not seem as worried as I was. I took all of his advice to heart and started down the road to becoming ready to get pregnant.
I got off of my birth control in July 2012. I took my prenatal vitamins every day. I ate healthy and continued exercising my normal routine. I downloaded an app for my phone to chart my cycles. Our friends wedding day came, and it happened to be perfect timing. My ovulation calendar (downloaded onto my iPhone) predicted my ovulation for one week following their wedding. We tried, but did not succeed. We had sex every day. I then did some research that stated we shouldn’t try every single day. So the next month, we tried every other day.
Now, I had some concern in the beginning few months. My biggest concern surrounded my cycles, which were 25-26 days. I knew this was very short. When we weren’t pregnant by the end of October, I decided to get some of those ovulation tests you can buy at the store, just to see if my calendar I was using was right. Turns out, it wasn’t. In fact, it was a whole 4 days off! Providing me with a luteal phase of 9-10 days. I didn’t really know what this meant for me. We simply kept trying.
By the end of November, I knew I wasn’t going to be pregnant in time to announce it to our family for Christmas. I was absolutely devistated. I cried a lot. It had meant so much to me to be pregnant by Christmas. However, when Christmas came and went, I talked to some friends and decided the pressure was now off! I wasn’t going to be pregnant by Christmas and there was nothing I could do about that… so I could just relax and keep trying.
In January, work became absoutely crazy. I was super stressed out. I knew I wouldn’t be getting pregnant that month (I am well aware of the effects stress has on ttc). However, I didn’t think I would get my period 6 days early! Stress… ugh. I was bummed. I wasn’t sure if it was stress or something else, so my doctor got me in that day. I talked to him about what was going on (we had tried 5 times by this point, due to my short cycles). He did a pelvic exam and I had some pain, so he scheduled a pelvic ultrasound. Due to my concerns, my doctor suggested my husband get a sperm count done. I went home that night and destracted myself with starting the process of cleaning/painting our office.
It was that night I leared my sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife) was pregnant. I was devistated/heartbroken. My husband has a very small family and, on his father’s side, he and his brother are the only two grandchildren. His brother had just gotten married six months prior to a 22 year old (his brother and I are the same age). They say it was an accident, they weren’t trying… however, I know differently. Matt’s brother was not trying, but I know his wife was. I really wanted to be able to provide a grandchild to this family, and she took that away from me. She knew what I had been going through up until this point. Everytime I think about her, I become so depressed it is the only think I can think about. I can’t talk to her… I just can’t. Call me childish/selfish… I know. I know I am being rediculous about it, but the feeling I get when I think about her is unbearable. I feel awful… like I should be more supportive and there for her. But I just can’t. The more I don’t think about it, the better I feel. And then, randomly, she is brought up and my mood goes in the toilet. I don’t know how to make myself feel any other way.
So, I had my pelvic ultrasound and my doctor says I have a “polyp”. When his nurse called me to tell me this, she said my doctor isn’t worried about this. I didn’t know what this was, so I did some research and apparently they are pretty common and shouldn’t interfere with ttc (unless the fertalized egg tries to implant there). So my husband and I talked and he agreed to go get a sperm count done. He is currently in the process of scheduling an appointment with his doctor.
This past month was very strange. On day 20 of my cycle, I felt like I was getting my period early again. I was in the bathroom every couple of hours checking to see if I was bleeding. I was having cramps, though they were different than normal and my boobs kept having sharp pains in them. But then, my period was… “late”. By late, I mean I had spotting the night I was supposed to get my period and the day after. It was very light and brown and would only show up on toilet paper when I went to the bathroom. After the second day of this happening, I was almost convinced I was having implantation bleeding. I started to get my hopes up. On the third day, I woke up and had more bleeding which looked more like a normal period. But I only had it in the morning, and nothing the rest of the day.
Now, I think in order to demonstrate how weird this was, I need to describe my “normal period”. I normally bleed ridiculously heavy for 7-8 days straight. There is a lot of cloting and I have to wear “super” anything for at least 4 of those days. I get cramps and backaches on the first two days, but these are my only symptoms. This is what I consider normal.
So on the third day, when I didn’t have any more bleeding the rest of the day, I bought a pregnancy test. It was negative, but I thought that it might be… if I had implanted on Monday (when the spotting first started) I didn’t think it would show up on a HPT until about 4-5 days later. Again, the hopes continued to climb.
Then Thursday came, and bleeding came all day, though it was still different than normal. Friday too, though it was only heavy in the morning. Saturday the bleeding was lighter and, once again, only in the morning.
Today is Sunday. I had no bleeding when I woke up, only a little bit on toilet paper again. I took another pregnancy test, just because of how weird my period has been. It was negative. I went for a run and had blood on my underwear when I was done. I now do not feel like I am pregnant, though I do not understand what my body is doing. I am still having random pains in my boobs and cramping along with backaches. I am constantly tired.
I started doing some reading about the ups and downs of ttc. Stressing about it is not helpful, and I am well aware of this. One of the suggestions was to start a blog, so that is what I am doing. I am hopeful this will help me to de-stress. I know a lot of people go through this and it would be helpful if I could hear from others who are going/have gone through a similar experience. However, the last thing I need is for people to tell me to just relax… I am absolutely sick and tired of people telling me this.
So, Matt is going to get tested and I have an appointment with an OBGYN on March 6. We are working together. The one good thing about Matt’s brother’s wife getting pregnant is that Matt now seems more interested in the process of conceiving.
I know that I am not alone, and six months of trying and failing does not necessarily mean anything is wrong. My cousin has been trying for over a year, and recently had a miscarriage. Another cousin of mine has tried for many years and cannot conceive. My neighbor went 15 months before she finally saw a fertility specialist. But then there are those people who get pregnant so easily. My sister, for example (adopted sister) has had several abortions and a miscarriage. My other sister (also adopted) has four children, none of which were planned. I just don’t understand how this works.
In my early relationship with Matt, I knew we were going to be together forever. We both want to have two children. I always thought I would have my first at 28 and my next at 31. When we made the decision on when we were going to officially start trying, I moved this to 29 and 32. Now, it looks like I will be, at least, thirty before #1 arrives, if it ever does. My husband will be either 32 or 33, assuming it doesn’t take more than another year.
For now, all I can say is that this was amazingly helpful. I have talked to friends about my issues/insecurities and I keep hearing the same things, none of which is helpful. When I try talking to Matt about it, he says the same things. He is not a feelings guy, so generally, I keep my feelings inside. Every time I try to talk about my feelings with him he turns it around and basically says I am blaming him for everything, when that is the last thing I am doing. At this point, I just don’t know where else to turn.
My next ovulation is scheduled to occur on February 28. After a lot of research, I have started taking B6 vitamins to try and begin my ovulation sooner. I will keep posting on this. I am going to try and post every day, in the hopes getting everything off of my chest will be helpful. I am trying to destress any way I can.
My job is somewhat stressful. I mean, I am an attorney. I have a lot on my plate at work. I have begun small, 7 minute meditations during the work day when I can feel the pressure building. I have started doing the yoga on my Wii fit. I am still running, though not as much as I used to. Basically, I am doing a lot of walking (three-four days a week) and having short running spurts in the middle. However, my running spurts are more of a jog (6mph – 10 minute miles). Today I went a total of 4 miles (acutally, a bit more than that), 55 minutes, and ran 1.5 of those miles. Running/walking takes my mind off of everything, and I love it.
I love apps. Before we actively started ttc, I downloaded a bunch of fertility/ovulation apps. I recently deleted all by my calendar/period tracker. My thought is that I might not think about it so much if I don’t have all of these things staring me in the face every day.
I know I suffer from some undiagnosed anxiety. I overthink everything. I constantly want to please everyone and go out of my way to help my friends and family (just ask my husband – this drives him crazy sometimes). I wish this wasn’t always on my mind, but it is, and I don’t think I can change that.
If you stuck through it this far, thank you for reading. I would love to hear your stories as well. It is helpful to know that I am not other only person who is having difficulty and thinking/feeling the same way. It is helpful to know that I am not going crazy, though sometimes I feel that way. Obsessed is just a word, right?